What If Ty Dolla $ign’s “Paranoid” Was a Diary Entry?

Dear Diary,

     The most embarrassing thing ever happened to me at the club last night. You know how I’ve been kinda seeing two chicks lately? Well, I was hanging out at my table, just sipping my drink, smoking my smoke and this girl at the bar caught my eye. She was cute! Well, I could only see her from behind… but. Haha. I was checking her out and she turned around and looked right at me. Guess what, diary? It was one of my chicks! (The one that doesn’t wear panties.) She was mouthing something at me but it was so loud, I couldn’t hear her. The DJ had just dropped that new Selena Gomez and everybody was going NUTS! Don’t tell anybody, diary, but I love that song.

Anyways, I turned away from Miss no-panties and just right then, like, slow-motion, my other chick walked in! Like WHUT. I was like, freaking out. My mind was racing. Did she see the other Range Rover in the parking lot? Dang. Maybe I shouldn’t have bought both my chicks the same car!

So chick one is by the bar, chick two is walking in and as she’s doing so, I see she’s wearing her red bottoms. This is when I knew I really blew it, diary. The same leopard print, studded, 6-inch Louboutins—I bought them for ‘em both.

Now I’m starting to wonder, do they know about each other? How do I know this isn’t a set-up? I see one on Friday, the other on Saturday. That’s a reasonable schedule for a monogamous couple, right? Nothing suspect about that?

By this point, I’m trippin HARD. As dope as it is to have two chicks—that look good as EFF, mind you—it is a lot of work. Still, I’m sweating. Starting to think about that passage from The Bell Jar. You know the one, diary? Where you you try to have it all and you miss out on everything?

I leaned over to my friend Bob, who was at the club with me, and tried to pick his brain on what to do in this situation. That is when I learned he had never been in such a scenario, diary, because nothing coming out of his mouth was making any sense. (F*ck a b*tch to sleep?!)

So you know what I did, diary?

I ran to the men’s restroom and hid there for the rest of the night.

A bouncer found me asleep in a stall around 3 a.m and kicked me out. Thank God he didn’t recognize me.


Ty Dolla $ign


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